I’ve healed quite well and am just dealing with some issues that will take about a year for complete recovery. The main concerns have passed, so now it’s just dealing with the chronic pain and soreness from internal scarring and back issues. I’m getting regular treatments that are helping. I’ve gotten back to doing 100% of the things I used to do around the house and I was able to convince my husband that I was ready to resume two of my part time, on call jobs, as well as some volunteering at my kids school.
About a year and a half ago, I became a mom manager, or “momager” as some say. After signing with an agent, I started taking my son to auditions for commercials and television work. When I started as a mom manager, entering an audition waiting room was incredibly intimidating. The vibes were mixed and intense. Often, I would feel the glare of other moms checking out my kid to scope out the competition. And other times I would have nice chats that would turn into opportunities for humble brags. It took a while for me to find my peace and my approach in the mom management world.
Then about a year ago, the agent also signed on my daughter and me, after we were getting called back for some “real family” auditions. Subsequently, I started attending auditions as “talent”. That shifted the waiting room vibe and increased the intensity that I had just thought I had a handle on. I had an experience with a woman that I had met on the set of a commercial for my son, that was extremely friendly on set. But when she saw me going out to audition for the same part as she was, her attitude completely changed. I became her adversary and she was no longer friendly.
I also had a chat with another woman that I knew previously, in an audition wait, and she started listing off her frequency of bookings and I left feeling pretty small and awful. I talked to a friend in the industry about it and she told me I was “slimed by the competition”. Slimed! It is not in my nature to be intensely competitive, so I was caught off guard. I realized then that I needed to have my heart guarded and keep my approach different.
I was sitting in my car at an intersection a few months back and I watched the driver in the other straight-through lane beside me flinch when the left turn light went on. I kind of laughed because, of course, I’ve done the “flinch” too, when it wasn’t my time to go. But at that moment, I observed what was going on in the intersection, and decided this would reflect my heart and approach in each audition and in my life.
Sometimes I’m at the front of the line and other times I am not. Sometimes it’s my time to turn because of where I am going, and other times I am going straight on through. I don’t sit at the intersection jealous of the car in front of me, or jealous at the cars that get to turn. They are going somewhere else, and I am going where I need to be. Sometimes I have the red light, and other times I’ll have the green.
So as I’ve entered back into the auditioning life as momager and talent, I’m trying to remind myself of these things and recognize the lane that I’m in.
If it’s my turn, it’s mine, and if it’s yours, it’s yours. Lane check.