I am trying to recover while being aware of my pre-existing conditions physically and emotionally. The struggle in my emotional healing is with navigating through forgiveness while re-establishing trust in the relationships in my life that need repair. I’m trying to find the boundaries I need to balance what’s “safe”, while moving on in healing.
For me, when someone has broken trust and asked for forgiveness, it feels like they’ve had a trust mortgage go into default that has been forgiven. It’s cleared, but their trust credit score sucks. And with a bad credit score, the application for more credit is a hard one to approve.
I once had a heart-to-heart with someone about broken trust in our relationship. It was a great talk, there were kind words, forgiveness, but afterwards, the person who had just asked for forgiveness lied about something really silly. It was really silly, but my heart had already initiated the icing sequence and once you activate the launch sequence, it’s hard to disengage. I’m not entirely sure my Mission Control has a de-icing button yet.
I’m watching a lot of t.v. these days and I was watching an episode of “The Big Bang Theory” where Raj buys an expensive drone. Later in a Skype chat with his dad, his dad asks him, “Why did you spend a month’s rent on a toy helicopter?!” Raj responds with, “Ohhh, you’re where that bill goes.”
When someone breaks renewed trust with me, that’s what it feels like. I feel like someone spent and I got the bill. Raj’s dad then cut him off financially, no longer providing an allowance. Yes, Raj’s dad, you did the right thing, said my icy heart.
I had a conversation with a different friend about recovering from trust issues in a corporate experience. She asked me if I was having trouble with trusting people in authority. Others had been in recovery from our corporate hurt incident and told her they were having trouble trusting leadership. I told her, “Nope, I think I just have pre-existing trust issues from my life.” It wasn’t just about the actions of other people, but it was also about my pre-existing conditions and I needed to be realistic about my triggers.
Netflix has also been a friend in my cabin-fever cures and I watched a movie that will tell you how current I am with movies. I watched “Eat, pray, love” because I wanted to see what a title that pretty much can sum up my life, is actually about. Man, this movie was nothing like my personal rendition of eating, praying or loving. There was a scene where the Bali wise man, Ketut was doing a palm reading of the character playing the protagonist’s new love interest. The guru tells him that he can see that there is recovery from a broken relationship, “You haven’t healed that wound. Now, you are scared to open your heart. You are afraid hurt will happen to you again, only way to heal is to trust.”
I thought I was just watching some chick flick with some good food involved but that scene kicked my emotional butt. The words, “only way to heal is to trust”, replayed in my head. I wanted to reject it so much, but it felt like a prescription for my pre-existing condition. So apparently, Ketut was speaking to me, the only way to heal is to trust.
Crap.