I lost a lot of blood during surgery and my blood pressure became dangerously low. I was given two units of blood in the O.R., two more in Recovery, and then two more before I was discharged.
In the hospital, I was in bed for 3 complete days until a physiotherapist came to get me out of bed. On the fourth day, we attempted to get me up to see how my body would react. While I was standing, my head was spinning and the physiotherapist would say, “keep your eyes open, don’t close your eyes.”
I still get really dizzy sometimes when I get up. Sometimes I take a few steps before the spinning starts and I can still hear those words to keep my eyes open even though my natural desire is to close my eyes.
After we got married, my husband and I decided we would learn how to snowboard. My cousin came with us one night up to a local mountain and gave us a lesson. He would tell us that we had to keep our eyes on where we were going, and resist the desire to look down. If I looked down, that is where my body would go. After reprogramming my brain, I realized he was right.
Another activity I had to learn as an adult was how to play softball. I had the right equipment, shoes, my team was full of amazing seasoned players, but I was struggling to hit and catch. I put in all my effort and tried as hard as I could, but I only started to get it when my friend and coach told me, “keep your eyes on the ball”. When I first heard that, I was thinking, “of course, duh.” But I actually was unaware of what my body was doing. When I was about 8 years old, I got hit with a softball in the face while I was playing at the park. I barely remembered that as an adult, but I think my body remembered. My body had instinct and responded to a ball plummeting towards me with closing my eyes and bracing for pain. I didn’t even know it was happening. But once I realized it and reprogrammed my brain, I started to hit and catch.
A few weeks into this recovery I was feeling symptoms I felt when I experienced post partum. I was agitated, angry, impatient and depressed. I read some hysterectomy message boards and realized that depression is common after surgery. The recovery is long and I honestly don’t know a mom who is not used to being over-productive. So I went to see a medical professional about my hormones, and also started to set some goals.
When I started to write down these anecdotes to share, I thought my neat and tidy conclusion would be about keeping my eyes open to get to where I needed and wanted to be. I thought this would transition nicely into some goal development, but after processing, I realized in each story, I actually never knew my eyes were closed. I only opened my eyes because I was surrounded by people who encouraged me, instructed me and inspired me. I haven’t been able to achieve physical healing alone, and I can’t journey through emotional healing on my own. There will be times I will be dressed for the part, have enough tools and ingredients that should lead to healing, but I might still be completely unaware that my eyes are still instinctually closing.